Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
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I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that