Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona