@sixfootcandy

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

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@stevevsninjas

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

@trayofcheese

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

@dreamthievin

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

@LizHackett

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

@markydoodoo

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

@nnnatchos

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

@mrkoodge

*at an AA meeting*

“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”

*gets aggressively escorted out*