“We’ll see” = We’re not gonna see.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
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“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.
“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
*reading note from son:
‘Can I borrow your car later?’
‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’
I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???