@sixfootcandy

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

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@piled

“We’ll see” = We’re not gonna see.

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?

@KateWhineHall

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

@JeremyKCMO

I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.

“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

@better_off_dad

*reading note from son:

‘Can I borrow your car later?’

*response:

‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’

@sarcasticmommy4

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

@AngelaEhh

When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’

I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’

I’m popular.

@TheRealJackDee

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

@Jake_Vig

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???