90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
You Might Also Like
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Now that my kids are getting older, I’m worried I’ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!
I like the way this kid thinks!
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time