Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.


You Might Also Like


[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”


Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.


Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes


So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.


I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.


I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.


My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.


*at an AA meeting*

“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”

*gets aggressively escorted out*