[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
You Might Also Like
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*at an AA meeting*
“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”
*gets aggressively escorted out*
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]