Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

Yup

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.