Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
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[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
doing some research
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?