HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Fights fire with marshmallows
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.