HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
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Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Real 😅
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
The best shot in the history of golf
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.