Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.