Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
The game has officially changed 😎
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u