Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
What do you hear?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”