Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.