Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
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[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond