Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”