Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

ㅤ

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.