husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
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Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.