Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
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“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not