Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels