Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*