Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
You Might Also Like
#DesignFail
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
