Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Knock Knock
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
The Onion called it…again.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
