Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
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Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
A fake ID that makes you younger
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*