One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
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Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
love pickles so much i put myself in one
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this