Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!