Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my professor scared me for a second

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes