Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

*pokes sex life with a stick

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.