“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
me, after any kind of buffet.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.