Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

“you changed” bro i was 15

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

#SCOTUS one-star review

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.