“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.