[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
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God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big