Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”