Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
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I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists