Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*