Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Everyone’s family
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.