hydraulic press for headaches
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[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”