hydraulic press for headaches
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-