Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

OH. COME. ON.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

this is a sign that you need a union

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.