Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
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Brb my Sims are getting married
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!