Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

So we got a goldfish…

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.