Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.