Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
This kid will have a bright future.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.