Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
God tier horse name today on the sims
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.