Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
Lol.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down