Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol