Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
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Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Not with that attitude
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand