Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
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What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I have so many questions.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Beware of the “party goblin”…
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.