Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
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Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
When you try jalapeños for the first time
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
A friend helps you before you need it
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.