Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

#Caturday

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait