HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
You Might Also Like
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do