Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.