Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
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i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
They also CAN sing✌️
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.