Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

This is hilarious

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.