Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
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Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
🛁
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
