Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
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Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell