Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
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Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*