Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
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My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.