Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”