*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.