*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
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one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
hmm conte-me mais
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?