Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

The Friday File.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am