Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!