Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
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‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
#Caturday
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop