Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
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Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.