Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples![]()
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?