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Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
we’re dead?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Do one person every day that scares you.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Yup….perfect score!
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”