Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
School be like
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
inside you are two wolves
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards