Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
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You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.